Night Hag vs cataplexy

This is what night looks like. Note: The snobby moon.

Dear Internet,
I keep waking up frozen during the night. Often I am paralysed too. Restrained by some sort of muscle restraining muscular lock down. It scares me and therefore makes me a feared or “afraid” in the modern parlance or “vernacular.”

After a quick google search I have found that there are two front runners in the race for that thing that is ruining my nights sleep. This “sleep paralysis” as it is known is either cataplexy, which is a syndrome related to epilepsy, or a witch sitting on my chest eating my life. This life eating phenomena is known as Night Hag (or Old Hag, if you will.)  To be honest, while cataplexy seems to be fairly legitimate, it’s something that I can’t cure, and also it doesn’t have the long and investigative history of the Night Hag, who if my sources are correct, is plotting to steal my youth and beauty even as I sleep this night. I know that I feel older each morning, so we  should chalk it up to that. I know that the first hand reports say that she is old or at least super dehydratedly wrinkled. I have however worked out a solution. You see, the thing of importance here is that she’s a woman. This means, that unlike men, I can reason with her before she does something horrific like cause WWI, or two, Hitler was a man after all.

I’ve decided to write a letter which I’ll pin to my duvet as I snuggle into sleep tonight. Hopefully she’ll read it before bloating up on Sando stuff.

‘Dear Night Hag,

We’ve never really met formally, so hi! My name’s Nic and I’m the guy that you’re lying on at night, literally sucking the life stuff from my sleeping breast. I hope you’re well because I’m not.

Please, Night Hag lady, I know you’ve been around a while, and also know that according to sleepnet.com you probably were born a peasant in 12th century France, and therefore you probably feel just a little disenfranchised with the world due to the French revolution and price of cheese, but please, you’ve got to leave me alone.

Night Hag, I don’t want that weird forehead ridge bump that my dad and grandfather have. Not yet anyway. I take really good care of my skin, staying out of the sun, moisturising, and even using chemical exfoliation, which is not cheap let me tell you. Having you cause premature aging will just not do. To be honest, I don’t even know how my internal organs are going to cope.

So, please, how about instead of being a Night Hag, you try being a “nice hag” for once. I feel that you’d find your day changed, and for the better.

Have a nice night,

-Nic Sando.’

Now, I shall go make a cup of coca cola zero, watch some Family Guy and drift off to a nice, yet fretful sleep.

UPDATE: I should have wrote it in French.